Annie Lane apparently writes an advice column for The Daily Courier in Prescott, Arizona. Today she gave some advice to a woman who was having trouble coaxing her second husband into doing some estate planning. After explaining that she has a college-age daughter and telling how happy she is in her 2nd marriage and what an otherwise perfect husband the new guy is, the woman writes,

He is so generous and dedicated, but this is one subject he will not deal with. We have no will or trust, but I get the feeling he would be fine with anything I would want to arrange financially. As far as what to do with our bodies upon death goes, though, that’s something we would need to decide on together. Even though I am older than he is, my family has a history of living long, and his family does not. And there is always a possibility we will go at the same time in some kind of accident.

So we have a second marriage, at least one child–a stepdaughter of the husband–a husband who is at least a few years younger than the wife and who is still passionately engaged in a career he loves. The family of one of the spouses has a long lifeline, the other a short one. Apparently plenty of money. And the wife seems pretty certain that even though he won’t talk about estate planning, the husband will be fine with anything she suggests.

Yeah, right. Especially when money’s involved.

And Annie says?

Fortunately, you seem equipped to tackle this challenge on behalf of you both.

Tell your husband that you’ll prepare a draft of the will and that he can simply sign off on it or make revisions before it’s finalized. My guess is that he’ll be relieved. Once the will is behind you, you’ll have the peace of mind to enjoy the rest of your lives together even more.

Where to start? Well, first there’s the idea that just anyone can draft a will. Of course, they can–and LegalZoom and its competitors are there to help. But really? The weeds can get pretty thick and high very quickly when you have some money, are in your 50s and 60s, and have grown children and stepchildren. I’ve been there and done that, and if you want hard, there it is–in spades.

Next, there’s the idea that where there’s a will, there’s a way out. But not so fast. Yes, it’s better than nothing, but there’s the little matter of stepchildren–his and probably hers. Who gets what–especially when it sounds like it’s really all his–is a question that needs to be addressed big time, preferably sitting in the office with an attorney with oodles of experience in dealing with blended families.

And then there’s the fact that a will is only the first in a long line of estate planning documents that virtually everybody should have in order, including trust, an advance health care directive, a financial power of attorney, and so one. Add to that the fact that though the couple probably have their minds around a number of issues in their financial and family life, there’s certainly a lot that they don’t know they don’t know. A good attorney can help them see those problems and issues.

I do agree with Annie on one thing: The woman having a will drafted and presenting the draft to her husband may bet him moving on the subject. But don’t do this alone.

My take anyway.

The day my wife and I finally met with our estate planning attorney, Don Owen, was anticlimactic. We sat across from him, my wife Janet to my left, Don sitting on the other side of his desk. We were there to resolve what we then realized were thornier issues than what we had imagined when we began the process, issues that most families don’t face–because most families aren’t blended families.

Very wealthy couples deal with estate planning issues most of us can only imagine. Business owners whose companies make up the bulk of their net worth likewise confront estate planning problems foreign to those who work for someone else. Add to that list, couples who head up blended families. In fact, maybe put them at the top of the list. Courageous, often twitterpated, souls, these couples enter into second marriages and all the responsibilities that entails and deal with some thorny problems. Often, many of those problems first make their appearance years down the road. For my wife and me, they made their appearance when we decided to do some estate planning six years after we married and joined my three and her four children together.

The idea to do some estate planning was mine. I stood to inherit some money from my grandfather’s estate. He’d worked hard and invested well, and he’d set up his estate to benefit his children first, then his grandchildren when his children died. His children were now in their late 80s and 90s. I wanted to make sure that when they died, and after both my wife and I died, my share of my grandfather’s estate would pass on to my children–his great-great grandchildren. I wanted to keep the Taggart family money in the Taggart family. My wife was fine with that. And so I set up an appointment with Don to get that done. This should be easy, I thought. Silly me.

Facing the Facts. For couples in second marriages, estate planning can be difficult, more complex. Think about it: Each party comes into the marriage with their own assets; their own debts; and often, their own children–sons and daughters who have their own special needs, often known only to their biological parent. Add an “ours” to the mix of yours and mine, and the family photo quickly goes out of focus.

Frequently, at least one but probably both of the step-parents have made promises to their own children, promises that often involve dollars and cents. Maybe one parent made a promise to pay for college or for a car when his child graduates high school. Maybe the other guaranteed a trip to Europe if her  young son or daughter graduated college.

All too often such promises were made in the heat of the battle in the previous marriage. No matter, already feeling guilty about a failed marriage, the parent making the promise will not drop this ball. Not this time. His or her promises, wise or unwise, will be kept. No more disappointed children. Nope.

And so it is when the newly married couple finally decides they should do some estate planning. So it was when my wife and I  sat down with Don Owen to make sure that promises we had made were kept–to each other and to our children.

Like I said, the experience was more intimate than sex.

Why? you ask. Well, try this list of issues on for  size. One or both of us had:

1. Made promises to our children.
2. Made promises to each other leading up to marriage.
3. Insecurities created or exacerbated by the previous marriage and not yet fully healed by the second.
4. Secrets that had yet to be discussed with the the other.
5. Allegiances that were at the time stronger to blood than to water.
6. More insecurities, as in, will this marriage last?
7. Age, maturity, and wisdom not present the first time around, thus a willingness and ability–and need–to look beyond the unicorns of true love and ask the hard questions.
8. Etc.

Now this list isn’t particular to my wife and me. I suspect most anyone in a second marriage can see at least some of themselves in it. The point is, parents in blended families face lots of issues that in-tact families typically don’t. But that’s only part of the story, the hard part. But can I tell you, what I had anticipated would be a cake walk–at least I did after my wife said she was fine with what I wanted to do with my inheritance from my grandfather–turned out to be a slog. Not because my wife was hard to deal with. She wasn’t. In fact, she was a gem. No, it was a slog because the issues grew more complicated the deeper we probed, one question leading to another and then another. When we got to the end of the slog, I was amazed, both at what an experience it had been and at how refreshing it was to have done it.

Reaping the Benefits. It gets better. If the planning is hard and the issues complex, the aftermath is long lasting and satisfying. With each hard question asked and answered, a stronger bond forms between husband and wife. As each secret is revealed, trust and respect grows. In the end, the new marriage stands on a more firm foundation. I know ours did.

I don’t have any statistics to support the following claim, but I have to believe that good, thorough estate planning will strengthen the marriage of the man and woman who blend their families. It did ours. It can do the same to yours.